If you would have asked me if I planned to be a SAHM when I was pregnant with August, the answer would have been a resounding "no". I have always been extremely independent and driven and I worked very hard to get a degree in something I was (and still am) passionate about- Sociology.I have always earned my own money and supported myself. I never envisioned my life staying at home with my kids. I never thought it was a bad thing, but I certainly didn't see myself enjoying, what I assumed would be a mundane life with the same thing day in and day out. But I also never imagined the attachment and love I would have for them and the anxiety, worry and stress I would feel every single day I put my baby in daycare while I was out working a job. A job that would barely be worth going to after paying daycare expenses and gas to get to both places.
Fast forward to 3 years and 2 kids later and here I am at home with the kids while my husband goes to work M-F 6:30am 3:30 pm. He usually leaves by 5:30 and gets home by 4:30. My decision to stay home came after working part time after August was born and feeling like my job didn't have enough meaning for me to be away from my babe 3 days a week. Financially we are lucky that Joel makes enough of an income for us to be able to have me at home. I know there are a lot of mamas out there who can't (or won't) make the financial sacrifice to be home with their babes , and I get that completely. But for me, it wasn't worth what I was making to not be there with my kids day in and day out. On top of that the economy tanked and my degree ended up being just about useless in a non-profit job market where a Master's degree was preferred and experience was necessary and pay topped out at $15/an hour. That made my decision to stay home a little easier because it was almost impossible to get a foothold in the non profit job market in Portland at the time.
I love being a stay at home mom (most of the time), but I do struggle with certain aspects of my decision. For one, it's a lot of tireless, thankless, under-appreciated work from early in the morning, middle of the night, to late in the evening. It is 24 hours a day/7 days a week, no sick pay, no vacation and no lunch break. Sometimes I get frustrated and tired. But most days I love it.
Another thing I have been struggling with, especially lately, is the fact that I feel I don't get enough credit sometimes for all that I do. It's easy to give credit to the spouse that has a job outside the home and is working hard to bring in the finances but the spouse that stays home is often overlooked. Although my husband very much appreciates me and acknowledges the hard work I do every day to help things run smoothly and raise our kids, I feel like other people may see me as lazy or a slacker. Now I normally don't care what other people think, but this one gets to me. I want to be seen as equally valuable and important to our family dynamic as my husband. Most of society doesn't give much, if any, credit to stay at home moms (and dads) though. I have had people tell me I'm "lucky" to stay home and that I must be "bored" all the time. I just want to slap those people. Do I feel lucky to spend every day with my babies? YES but by someone telling me that in a patronizing manner it implies that I somehow am lucky because I don't have to go to a "real job" every day. Little do those people know how stressful it is to try and keep up on laundry, dishes, homeschooling, entertaining toddlers, changing diapers, potty training, making lunches, making sure you are able to eat, cleaning up endless messes and spills, making sure the house is not disgusting, sweeping the floor every day, making sure dinner prep is ready, nursing a needy baby, snuggling the baby to sleep, putting the toddler down for a nap, dealing with misbehavior, temper tantrums, crying, peeing with a visitor or peeing alone while the kids try to kill each other in the 2 minutes I am away, never being able to eat a full meal relaxed and by myself, reading book after book after book, teaching manners and the bazillion other things that I do day in day out with little to no acknowledgement. My day is filled with very, very little "downtime" and I am pretty much constantly doing something. I distinctly remember being a caregiver (which was very stressful in and of itself) and feeling like while at work I was on "break" from the constant go go go go that I was when I was home full time with my kids. I know my husband feels the same way. After being unemployed and a full time stay at home parent with my for 7 months, I think he fully learned to appreciate just what needs to be done a daily basis and how exhausting it is.
For those unfortunate souls (and mostly non-parents) who think SAHM don't do anything all day, allow me to enlighten you! Below you will find a small sample of what I did yesterday throughout the day. Warning: not for the faint of heart!
5 am : Wake up with Joel and wiggly baby.
5:05 am : nurse said wiggly baby
5:15 am: baby won't go back to sleep, is smiling and up for the day. Time to crawl out of bed and put on some pajama pants because it is going to be one of THOSE days.
6 am: Gus wakes up, wants carried downstairs and snuggled.
6:05 am: Gus demands waffles and "cupcakes" ie- really healthy pumpkin muffins. Mama jumps into action because it's the first time he's wanted to eat in days.
6:15 am: hand him pedialyte and his plate of food that I just MADE and he demands cheese crackers instead. Really kid?
6:25: read Gus 2 Star Wars books. Can't pronounce half the characters names. He doesn't care. He points out R2D2 on very page. His favorite!
6:35 am: Gus falls asleep on the couch
6:45 am: Mama nurses a grumpy baby to sleep and makes a nest on the floor for him to sleep.
7 am: I am finally able to drink a glass of water and lay down on the couch for 1/2 an hour to snooze.
7:30 am: the 3 pans I asked Joel to wash last night are drying on the counter. I go to put them away and realize that my husband, in an attempt to make it look like he washed the pans, just ran them under water hoping I wouldn't notice. They were still very much not clean. I haul them to the sink and wash them. I also text my husband and call him on his bluff.
8 am: both boys are awake
8:05 am: dress both boys, put one in underwear and one in cloth diaper.. one fights me tooth and nail to get clothes on
8:15 am: Gus has diarrhea and I have to clean out the potty seat AGAIN.
8:30 am: Phoenix has diarrhea, and it leaked ALL OVER his clothes I JUST put him in. And we don't have a diaper sprayer so it's extra fun to clean up.
8:45 am: transfer clothes out of dryer and start another load.
8:50 am: dog gets out of our fenced yard. I run barefoot, in pajama pants in the pouring rain to get him. Fun.
9 am: I make myself a smoothie while simultaneously making a waffle for Finn and defrosting some frozen berries for him to eat. He is impatient with his food.
9:40 am: Gus has lost his little person batman and is very distressed about the situation. I spend 10 minutes helping him look for it. No luck. Of course it's not where it's supposed to be; the designated little person box we have. We will probably find the elusive batman in the coming weeks in a random place that my 2 year old decided to stash him.
10 am: Finn has fever of 102.5. Dose him with some baby tylenol and snuggle a very lethargic kiddo.
10:10 am: Gus wants water AND milk AND juice (aka pedialyte). I give him all 3, maybe he will stop asking for stuff for awhile.
10:15 am: Gus has issues with brother trying to help him build his train track. He continuously yells "get off brother get off brother". Go to his chart and do first consequence of the day : 2 minute timeout. Phoenix is crying.
10:30 am: I scarf down a frozen waffle with REAL syrup. yum. Gus asks me for a bite the ENTIRE time I am eating. No relaxing meal for me.
10:45 am: Craft time/homeschool time
11:20 am: Make a lunch from scratch for the boys. Gus requests ravioli (10 ravioli to be precise) ends up eating 1/2 of one. Yep. Story of my life. I save the plate for dinner for him. While eating he wants balsalmic vinegar and salt. His 2 requests that he always makes. He loves the taste of salt from helping me bake and now wants me to sprinkle it on his hand all the time so he can lick it off. The vinegar is his go-to condiment.
11:45 am: Nap time. Gus falls asleep in .3 seconds. I put the baby in the crib while I pee, he cries the whole time. I nurse him to sleep, transfer him to crib. I decide to sleep when the kids sleep. Phoenix wakes up less than an hour later, nurse him back to sleep and sleep for another hour and a half.
2:45 pm : both kids awake, one in crib one in my room. I decide to take a "quick" shower so I can look less zombie like. I literally take a 5 minute shower.
2:50 pm: I hop out of the shower to a screaming baby in his crib and a toddler who told me he had diarrhea. I look down horrified to see poop dripping down his leg in a big puddle onto the carpet in our room.
2:55 pm: move Gus to bathtub, strip him and clean him off with lots of soap all while he protests. And I am still in a towel from the shower. Finn continues to scream.
3:00 pm: give Finn a pacifier and clean up diarrhea on the carpet. The whole room reeks and I have to walk the trash bag outside in the torrential rain.
3:05 pm: get Gus and myself dressed
3:10 pm: feed Finn and hold him
3:15 pm- 4:45 pm : Gus whines for no apparent reason.
4:45 pm: I escape to the bathroom to comb out my hair and put some makeup on so I can look halfway alive. Gus still whining.
5:00 pm: Joel home. I escape to prepping dinner and tell him about the diarrhea. He knows to take over.
I also miss adult interaction. I love my kids to the end of the earth, but sometimes I grow jealous of my husband's ability to be able to interact with non-toddlers M-F. Sometimes I wish I had co-workers I could talk to about adult stuff or joke around with. Most days I long to have a glass of wine with a friend and just sit down and talk.
I feel like staying home is a sacrifice I am making right now to better my family unit. A sacrifice I happen to love doing. I have dreams- big ones....owning my own bar/restaurant, going back to school to be a certified lactation consultant but all of that will be on hold while I do the brunt of raising our kids into the best little people they can be. I feel like I am the most qualified for the job as no daycare/teacher or anyone else can care for my kids exactly the way I want them to be cared for. But I also feel as if my job as a SAHM is looked down upon. I feel sometimes as if people think I can't "hack" it with a "Real" job. It's an undercurrent I pick up on often when I tell people I am a sahm and it bugs the shit out of me.
My kids will be testaments to all the hard work I am doing now because they are going to grow up to be loving, smart, curious, selfless men and I hope to take at least a little credit for that.
In the meantime, I will enjoy every second of teaching my children, baking, cooking everything from scratch and receiving endless hugs, kisses and snuggles from my boys.I don't need a prize or a gold star or gushing from people I just wish more people could see the value I bring to my family......and a little acknowledgement to the fact that stay at home moms DO work.
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